Confessions

It sucks unspeakably so that upon thinking of the word ¨confessions¨I hear the song by Usher. Die die die!

#1. I have really missed my family. Travelled all my life, mostly without giving them too much thought if any. Maybe it´s because of the small size of the school and the way in which people come so quickly together to form a new, young, mixed-up style of family. It´s so easy to make friends here and to spend all your time with other foreigners. Familiarity and a form of intimacy develop very quickly: first you have class together in the morning, and then you hang out together in your free time making excursions to other towns, trying out new activities together, and going out all night to bars and discos. This sounds ideal, and was ideal in the beginning. But apparently things have been moving too quickly for me. These are people who are multi-lingual, have great social skills, are by and large attractive and smart. They´re people you would show off as friends, for their life and their easiness. But my real family is a particular brand of weird, my favourite brand of weird. And as I´ve tried to slip into this new family, I haven´t been able to help but feel how immediately convenient this self-sustaining world of happy young foreigners is, and how much I miss real queerness.    

#2. I´ve been popping in DVDs of saccarine, OTT, Hollywoodian romantic comedies simply because they´re the only ones in the house and are a guaranteed hour and a half´s worth of complete immersion in English. I´d been puzzling over why I´ve felt the need to do this considering my interactions with the other students (German, Swedish, Dutch, Brazilian, North American) are mostly in English. Figured it out… there´s a difference between using this type of convivial/survival English and being able to take for granted the long unbroken flow of native speakers. Watching these movies is equivalent to taking a luxurious soak in a warm bubble bath for my brain. I never thought I was so mother-tongue-centric. This is shocking.

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